I think I’m starting to get that my happiness does not depend on my success as a musician/singer/songwriter. I’ve, of course, stated those words often in various ways – mostly, “My happiness is not sourced outside myself. It’s about what’s within.” Right? So I’m having this aha! moment like Helen Keller at the well. I’m happy now. By happy, I don’t mean dancing around all day, giggling and oblivious to the world around me (hmmm . . . maybe I should try that someday), but I mean, being in that state of peace and allowing the unfolding of each moment to be full and beautiful.
So why do I cling to the desire of success as a musician? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for success. I’m all for desire. But something inside me seems to hang my sense of self-worth and self-respect on my level of success as a musician. Something hums in the background of my mind, almost imperceptible, mesmerizing, a brain-washing kind of lull, from passed programming, that drones, “I really need to be successful in order to be worthy or self-respectable.” I’ve never really seen it so clearly as now, as it comes into focus from an old blurred image. My conscious belief is that I am totally and completely loved, happy, worthy and self-respected, no matter what happens to me in the music career arena. But revealing itself to me now is this little caveat, previously submerged as a blurry image in my unconscious self . . . nonetheless powerful — perhaps even more so because of its subliminal effect.
So now in the face of a false truth that has been seductively whispering all that crap about outer recognition being the foundation of my self-worth — what do I do?
All I can say is that there is a deeper truth that stands like a mountain in the near distance, as I travel down the road of life, while these tall, brown grasses lining my path are just passing. My deeper truth is, I am already living happily ever after. It’s a good feeling. I’m getting it!! Yay! It’s very freeing — like chains falling off.
